i'm done with xanga. it has retired.

get at me on myspace or facebook.

<3

average.

gradewise, a C is considered average. i dont know about you, but when i was younger, if i got a C, my mother would freak out. i got a C in math my junior year and my mom told me i wasn't smart enough to go to the schools that i wanted to. yeah. thanks mom.

no one wants to be average. in anything. everyone wants to be above average. and sometimes even that isn't enough.

i'm not above this. i don't want to be average. and most of the time idon't want to be above average either. i want to be excellent.

but i'm not. i'm just average.

i'm the average size of an american girl. i get average grades. etc. etc.

no one wants an average girl. thats my point.

i can't think straight. im tired.

i feel like...

i'm bored, i'm tired, i'm depressed.

the worst part of this feeling is the fact that..

i feel like no one loves me and no one ever will.

even my friends are getting sick of me.

and i have no friends in college.

and even the ones i do have, they're all dating and im the awkward fifth wheel that no one really wants around.

why doesn't anyone love me ? am i really that unloveable ?

.. don't answer that.

You flick your cigarette in the crystal ashtray, leaning over our tent of off-white European cotton bedsheets, surrounded by your off-white apartment walls, closing offan off-white, chilly, winter sky. All off-white, like the store-brand cream you buy at the supermarket before you pour it in your off-white coffee cup to make sweet caramel cumulus clouds while you read your morning paper...

Meanwhile, I cook you bacon and eggs; a 6 a.m. masterpiece, only to be artfully arranged on your off-white china plates and then masticated between your porcelain, off-white teeth...

After which,i will wash the plates, in the off-white kitchen sink,and wipe them with an off-white dish towel. and my off-white fingertips will smell of the dish detergent and last night's regret... the same regret ou puff away between your cancer-stick drags. you make off-white rings of disgust in your apartment, which is unpainted, unheated, and un-insulated.

to take colors for granted is sin.
The greatest (sin),
oh, to take color for granted.

//off-white.
//12.o2.o7

well. it's not good.

but it doesn't get any better than this.

i guess i should just settle.

after all, there is no such thing as a happy ending.